Forever Young
by Rachel00
Summary: I couldn’t move I felt like a cement structure that had been moulded to her body, scared to let go.' Ryan POV one shot.


_Okay so I just watched the finale and found some spare moments to write my version of events down. It's a Ryan POV and focuses on the aftermath of Marissa's death. Its a one-shot._

_Disclaimer: All characters belong to the OC. Music is that of Youth Group. All quotes were written by myself from the show (episode 1 and 7)_

_Okay so without further ado I present to you…_

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**Forever Young**

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I sat there numb, I heard them calling to one another and gently touching my arm to pull me away. I couldn't move I felt like a cement structure that had been moulded to her body, scared to let go. My brain kept telling me over and over that if I let her go she would be gone. 

A soft tender hand grabs mine, her fingers entwine with mine and she pushes my head up to meet hers. Smiling tenderly she explains that I have to let her go but the words are like echo's they disappear eventually and again, I can hear nothing; I choose to hear nothing. I feel her hand rub my face it stings a little as she inspects the cut engraved on my cheek. I notice a tear escape down her face and she looks to the still body that lay in my arms and I helplessly stare at her, I'm willing her not to cry in my mind but the words just can't escape. I look down at Marissa in my arms and I just stare, I stare at the beauty in her features, at the blueness in her lips and at her delicate hand draped over her loose body. I know she's gone and this scares me because once again I'm alone. The one person I felt I could call in a crisis and rely on is no longer with me.

I feel the hand that I hold in mine squeeze me, she tells me I have to let go and with that I break down. I slowly move my body from underneath hers and I let a strong pair of hands lift me up from behind. The person who was holding my hand was still there talking to me and holding me as I watch Marissa's body being placed into a body bag.

I pull forward, with all my force I try to stop them from covering her face but I can feel this weight holding me back. I turn in anger and punch the person who is holding me back in the chest. Repeatedly I shout and shout until I can no longer fight them, they are just too strong. 'Don't let them take her' I sob 'Please don't let them take her.' They guide me over to an ambulance that is waiting, with every step I try to look back and fight my way to her but she is gone.

My hand is still being held as a doctor checks me over, I hear them mumble the words 'shock' and 'loss' but everything else is a blur. I am lying down on a bed, with a white ceiling staring down at me. I thought white was suppose to be blank with nothing to it but its full of Marissa's face, the ringing in my ears is that of her cries. 'Don't go, don't leave me' she begs. I feel two figures hover above me, one of them brushes some of my hair out my face and with that I close my eyes. I can't fight it anymore; my body is awash with pain and I give in to the darkness that is calling my name.

When I awake again I feel a weight on one side of my body. A lady with blonde hair is gripped to my hand it doesn't take long for me to realise its Kirsten. I look over to the end of the room and find Sandy sitting on a chair beside the wall, resting. I wonder where I am and for a split second I forget everything. But like a thunder bolt it all comes crashing down around me, the previous nights events, the buzzing in my ears is back and the room is spinning. The sound of the car as it explodes, her whimpers and the sound of sirens in the far distant shaft me back to that night, the night I lost the love of my life. I start to shake and this awakes Kirsten from beside me. 'Ssssh' she whispers as my breathing quickens 'Your okay' she says as she brushes my hair back once more. Sandy is soon awake after hearing the commotion and is by my side. I slip back into unconsciousness; back into the black where I feel safe.

The various images flash through my brain as my safe world is bombarded with the sound of crunching metal, the laughs of various people from the past and the sound of splashing as people play in water. Fun images are mixed with bad and I find myself gasping for breath, tugging at the bed sheets that surround me. The black is no longer there and I no longer have the safety net covering my eyes. When I open my eyes the images still appear every so often. I'm no longer facing a white ceiling anymore instead it's a blue sky. As I lift my head up of the pillow I find myself back in the poolhouse, a place that is still filled with her scent. I don't even need to think of her name anymore, I can smell her and when I close my eyes she is with me.

I hear the door knob turn and in comes a familiar face, his face is withdrawn he has rings under his eyes and as he rubs his hair he places a black suit over a chair. 'Its almost time buddy' he says as he exits. This time there is no wise cracks, no funny comments instead its silent. I can't tell him to leave because he has already left; he struggles to say something to me now; he can barely look me in the eyes. When I came home I blanked everyone and when he tried to help I snapped at him. But as I think this his name escapes my lips in a whisper 'Seth.' I want him to make a wise comment and need him to not leave me alone but I can't tell him that. Its likes he's afraid of me now it was never meant to be like this. I shout on the inside 'TELL ME A JOKE'. But no one hears, I can't express myself like some people can. Instead I deny all knowledge of that day and I shut down, I don't cry, I don't talk, I just brood.

I arise from the bed and look over at the suit I have to wear. It's a jet-black colour with a white shirt to highlight the black tie. Moving towards the bathroom I run the cold tap and use my hands to splash cold water over me. I feel the coldness hit my face and sting my cut, it's like a bunch of knives entering a piece of fruit and I get angry. I get frustrated. I shove everything of the bathroom shelf and I bang the wall with my fist. Placing my head on the wall I turn it from side to side as I try to regulate my breathing. I pause for a moment as I notice the punching bag in the corner of the room and I remember the day I put it up.

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_**FLASHBACK**_

_**'Marissa: a punching bag **_

_**Ryan: yeah. Sandy had it in the garage, said I could use it **_

_**Marissa: So you could train to fight him**_

_**Ryan: no I'm not going to fight him, I didn't yesterday remember **_

_**Marissa: then what's it for **_

_**Ryan: therapy'**_

_**END OF FLASHBACK**_

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I slowly walk over to it and with one punch I hit it lightly, therapy. I put this up as therapy and yet all I feel is anger and this pain won't be solved by therapy it will be solved by revenge. He killed her so he deserves to pay. I hit the bag again only this time I use more force and before I know it I am hitting the bag over and over. The punches get harder and I feel the burns as my hand collides with the rubber material. I pretend that I am punching him; I pretend that he is calling for help like I did when I watched her die. I sat there and I held her and I remember that. I remember her face as it contorted in pain and I want him to do the same thing. I want him to feel the agony she did and I want him to pay. 

I hear the doorknob again but I don't look instead I continue. I started this war and I intend to finish it. Strong arms are trying to hold me back but I don't stop I keep going because I'm Ryan Atwood and I'm strong. Just as I think this a tear slides down my face but I ignore it, I ignore the sobs that escape my mouth. There is blood left on the punching bag as the arms manage to restrain me from behind and I collapse. I fall on the floor and sob. My body aches as the strong hands that hold me back now embrace me. I hear Seth's voice trying to comfort me as I feel the pain moving in-between my organs. It sucks the life out of me and makes me feel disorientated and weak.

As Seth holds me in his arms, Kirsten tends to my wounded hands. Using a cotton wool and some water she cleans of the blood that has begun to drip down my arm. I watch as the blood begins to dry I suck in a deep breath and rise from the floor. I have an all-important OC bash to go to and I wouldn't miss that for the world. I grab the suit and lock myself in the bathroom. I rest by body against the door and let out a sigh, this is it.

The SUV pulls up outside the cemetery and I notice familiar faces find their seats, as I leave the vehicle I feel Seth pat my back and guide me to the same area I see these people in. A hand clasps round mine and it reminds me of that dreaded night. Kirsten's hand is cold and lifeless just like Marissa's was when I held hers. I stop for a second and access my surroundings. 'Were right here with you Ryan,' I hear Sandy whisper from behind me. I nod and carry on walking; my legs feel like dead weights as I find a chair. I can feel everyone's eyes on me as I take a seat. I notice a soft floral scent surround me, a petit body is now leant against mine and I know instantly its Summer. She looks up at me and smiles the best she can amongst her tears. 'Its going to be okay' she says as she moves herself in to an upright position. This time its my hand that goes to find hers; that little bit of comfort in both my hands gives me just enough strength to face the coffin before me.

As the vicar talks I just stare off into the distance and in my mind the same lyrics are replaying:

**'_Forever young, I wanna be forever young, do you really wanna live forever'_**

**'_Forever young, I wanna be forever young, do you really wanna live forever'_**

**'_Forever young, I wanna be forever young, do you really wanna live forever'_**

**'_Forever young, I wanna be forever young, do you really wanna live forever'_**

It's like a CD that's playing in my mind that's skipping and this is the line it's stuck on. I remember the day we chose that song, how much love I felt for her when I embraced her in my arms and danced with her. I keep hearing this song and I smile, it's the only thing that has made me smile since her death.

At then end of the service everyone gathers back at the Roberts house for snacks. I find myself sitting on the sofa and watching as waitress' manoeuvre around the room offering drinks and snacks. In the corner of my eye I capture a glint of light reflecting off pieces of paper. As I move over to the objects I notice that's it's not paper, their photos, photos of the graduation. My mind flashes back to the happy faces and when I reach the last picture I feel my chin begin to quiver. I look up to see Summer and Seth staring, smiling sadly at me. I get up quickly and look around the room, the aching pain is back and I feel out of place. With quick glances I look around the room and in one instant I see Volchock tossing his keys up into the air and catching them over and over again. There's a stomach-churning grin on his faces as he lets out a laugh. I feel physically sick as I watch the imaginary figure. I make my way through the crowd as I do so I bump straight into a waitress and the food tumbles to the floor, making my apologies I run out and get into the SUV that's parked outside. I feel for the keys in my pocket and start the car, with that I start to pull away just in time to notice Summer and Seth coming running out.

I pull up at the peer and run as far as my legs will take me up the beach. I can feel the sand crumple beneath my feet, sobs escape my lips and I fall to the floor in defeat. My hands tug at the sand uselessly as it falls through my bloodied fingers. As I look up I see the lifeguard tower that Marissa use to use so often, my face contorts in pain as I remember one of the first conversations we had.

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_**FLASHBACK**_

_**'Marissa:are you ok**_

_**Ryan: yeah. This one time when we were kids Trey got in this big fight with my mom an her boyfriend of the day; and he ran away an I stayed up all night waiting for him wondering where he went. It was always me and Trey against the world how would I make it without him now here I am againalone an wondering where he went.**_

_**Marissa: hey,look your not alone this time.'**_

_**END OF FLASHBACK**_

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I run up to the structure and go up the ramp. I Sit down on the floor with a thud and put my head in my hands. The Images flash through my mind as once again that skipping on 'Forever-Young' is back playing over and over. Sensing other people near I look up. I can feel the moisture on my face and as I look I bite my lip. Seth and Summer greet me with their sad faces. They sit either side of me and take my hands into theirs. I hear Seth laugh and when I thought all hope was lost he says this 'Dude, the things I do for you' he cracks the joke I have been longing to hear. 

Summer brings her other arm around and places it on my forearm. 'Its never going to be right, but we have to try our best. Ryan were here for you just remember that.' I nod and look to her, giving her a kiss on her forehead as I do so. For a moment we sit there as we contemplate the future without Marissa. The burning ache within my heart intensifies with every beat as I listen to the waves crash down. I hear the song and see the images but this time the song plays in full and I remember the warmth of her body as she embraces me for that dance. I look to Seth and Summer and when they look back at me I know were in this together.

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_Thanks for reading, reviews would be greatly appreciated._


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